Yeah, check my post history if you don't know what's going on. I'm not going over all this shit again. I did get alcoholic ketoacidosis last week which could have killed me. Anyway...

[backstory you can probably skip it if you want, this might get long]

My family moved a lot. It might be one of the reasons why me and my brothers are fucked up. Getting uprooted whenever you get comfortable can be bad for development of mentally healthy humans.

My family moved when I was a junior in high school. At the time I was dating a girl who was essentially exactly what I would want physically and we also got along great. She was my first love. I dismissed those teenaged feelings for a long time, but I digress. So we moved but tried to stay together because we were naive. Adults with frequent flyer miles can't easily make the long distance thing work. We broke up and she immediately moved on. Come the age of MySpace and Facebook and I learn she married that guy. I talked to her a few times over social media but sequestered all those memories and feelings. I tried to leave her alone assuming she was happy and not wanting to interfere.

[end intro, real story about to begin]

She sent me a message on Facebook, incidentally on a day I was going to kill myself. I'm a clinically depressed alcoholic but alcohol has saved my life a few times because I sailed right passed Dutch courage and passed out before I could pull the trigger. I don't even keep Facebook messenger on my phone normally because it's awful but after rehab and arrest and all that shit I went through I replied like three months later. We started chatting and she is actually not happily married, has moved out of the house and has not been happy for years.

Cut to the chase here, on Sunday she drove three hours on a whim to see me. I just thought we'd catch up and watch TV or something. But we hit it off again and better than before. We were both shy in high school but she is so confident and strong now because of her job. I'm not as shy either because in art school I had to stand in front of my peers every week and defend my work or make up bullshit because that is honestly sometimes the only thing art is. (I don't know how many artists would admit that. I still love modern art.) No longer being shy, awkward adolescents, I thought we had better chemistry than ever.

I was just hoping to kiss her on the cheek, maybe hold her hand, but we spent probably over a day just holding each other, me doing the best I could to make her feel loved after however long her husband has been treating her like shit. She didn't leave until 4AM this morning. I stayed up all night to wake her up and because I didn't want to spend my last hours with her unconscious.

For at least two years I've been low level to severely depressed and now it's like I can remember why people enjoy life. I have zero desire to drink even though I cried myself to sleep and have been fighting back tears all morning. I'm doing surprisingly good with that right now in the public library.

Not only all of this, I may be going to an actual rehab with doctors and therapy that is insanely expensive due to my lack of insurance. My mom's been mentioning it but I think this is the catalyst that will make my parents feel that I'm ready to get sober. And I have a reason to now that I've never felt I've had before.

I'm still homeless. I don't know what's going to happen. Everything is uncertain. I'm not expecting to have another night like this with Brandi again. I'm not pinning all my hopes on this woman but I feel like I actually have hope for the future like I haven't in a long time.

Thank you, hubski. You put up with my shit and are supportive. There is no other place on the internet where a bunch of strangers care about each other the way the users here do (even if we fight sometimes).

lil I don't know why. I just really wanted to hear from lil so I'm only tagging her. No offense.

Also Cedar has been keeping me company on Google Hangouts.

Thanks again. You guys are great.

-Chris


kleinbl00:

Sometimes, all it takes is a reason. Take whatever you can find and do it for you, not for her, because if there's one incredibly awesome girl in the world, there are probably more.


posted by tacocat: 266 days ago