So. I've already written most of what I feel on Reddit. Figured there were some things I couldn't put there, even though the tone of the post was honesty and sincerity.

I've only had a good birthday once: two years ago, when I managed to spend a whole day (5 AM waking up -> bus station -> 9 AM arrival -> 1 AM next day home) in Novosibirsk, which I fell in love with. It was also the only birthday I've organized by myself, for myself. The rest were made by my parents for the extended family which I could never find in myself to care about.

It was always a family gathering rather than a celebration - as in, it was mostly about people getting to chat about how bad things were, eat and drink. People would come, give me a few words of "grow big, don't be noodles" (a saying that rhymes in Russian) and a pack of generic gifts (shower gel, socks etc. or money) and proceed to the table.

Perhaps, this lack of attention in what was framed as a "very special day" indeed has made it very special. I want it to be special - and I want to spend it with people I care about, because it matters a lot to me.

But I can't. I've pushed away people in my life in the last few years, and now I have no one I can come to. I've been reaching out to people this year, but it doesn't seem to work because I'm a broken human being who wants to be loved but stays away from those who can provide that love because it would fucking hurt if that's taken away suddenly again. That's what you get from being raised by a narcissist.

So I'm sitting here, in my apartment, alone, feeding myself shit I've bought because it's a "special day" and I can allow myself anything I want. There's no one I can reach out to - or, it feels like it, because in the moments like this - lonely, depressed, dried out without even working - I feel like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to reach out.

Things have been growing increasingly bleak for the last couple of months, ever since the freshmen I was helping said "We don't need you", for no particular reason. To have only my family tell me "Happy Birthday" is... crushing.


mk:

Hey TFG, Happy Birthday. From me to you.

We are both spinning round on the same ball, and it doesn't make much sense, but we can do things. Therein lies all possibility.

Happy Birthday.


posted by ThatFanficGuy: 115 days ago