Looks like I'm at the end of a series of very bad decisions. My step dad was trying to take me to rehab today and I refused so he was going to take me to a homeless shelter. I jumped out of the car when I got the chance and walked to my real dad's house. He kinda hates me and I'm waiting to see what he's going to do. He says he's taking me to rehab but I don't see how that's going to happen. My mom isn't talking to me. I was on her cell plan and she turned my line off. I'm on wifi for a little longer. I want help. I was going to go to an outpatient program that would deal with my addiction and mental health issues but I kept getting thrown in the hospital for being drunk. No one trusts me to drive myself to outpatient so they were going to put me in an AA based rehab that was trying to dictate what medicine I can take for my schizoaffective disorder which is why I refused to go. Also other reasons. I don't know what's going to happen next but I don't think I'm going to be around for a while if I come back at all. I love you guys. I don't have any friends so you're kind of like the friends I wish I had in real life. I probably sound unreasonable for refusing help. I want help, I'm just not willing to give up my freedom for it when there are other options. No one trusts me to do those other things anymore and I can't blame them really. I wish I had one more chance because I know I could do it this time. Bye hubski. I'll let you know if anything changes.
I don't know what to tell you Taco that you don't already know. Obviously the months (years?) leading up to this moment have been a rollercoaster. Perhaps, like me many times past and present, you're thinking that you've just had a stroke of bad luck lately and if people would just fuck off and give you some space to get your collective shit together everything will go back to normal. It won't. I think we both know that. The only question you need to ask yourself is how far down the rabbit hole you're willing to go?
Do you have any criminal charges pending? Probation? Before you make any harsh decisions about rehab realize they WILL make those for you eventually. You'd be better off just letting go and letting God as the AA nuts are wont to say. It'll go a lot harder for you if you don't, believe me. Don't even think about driving anywhere far right now. If you plan on sleeping in your car don't you dare keep any shit in it. They will find you, and your family, love notwithstanding, WILL let you rot in jail.
Have you ever been homeless? I spent about half a year in my car and IT SUCKED. Worst months of my life. Spent a week truly roughing it when a cop dropped me at the doors of a state facility and didn't bother to check me in himself. I learned a lot about myself and the world around us that week, none of it inspiring. That is a dark road man, and it's getting colder outside. That's what stuck with me the most: the cold.
Rehab SUCKS. I've been to the best and the worst and they're all fucking miserable. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE. You will meet some truly sad and crazy individuals there. You will be sick. Hopefully they'll give you some decent meds and you'll hit the pink cloud within the week. By the month's end you'll be more than ready to get the fuck out of there. You'll think that was a one time thing and you've got your addiction under control now. You will be wrong.
You've still got family that cares about your welfare. That's a plus for sure. No matter how much you may hate them or how much you think they hate you, you've got people and that's most important. What you decide now will determine how many of those loved ones will remain once the dust settles.
You're one of us now. It's a big club. You're not special. Left unchecked you will die a lonely, excruciating death. AA is mostly bullshit. It's bullshit you would be wise to suffer through at least a couple months. There's no going back. You will have this disease the rest of your life. Like I said: HOW FAR DOWN ARE YOU WILLING TO GO?
I'll be thirty next year. My addictions have cost me half my family, several relationships, over a year in county, half a dozen hospital visits... my sanity. Yet, even with all that misery, I still go back. She welcomes me with open arms every time. One day I fear she'll never let go.
Get your shit together man. I'll keep you close to heart. Take your medicine and come back to us stronger and wiser.