Hey hubski,

my cat died today. Well, I say "died", but really we made the decision to euthanize her yesterday, and did so earlier today. As I mentioned before in passing, Cleo had some serious kidney issues, and was pretty seriously arthritic. She was 18 16.

I also said "my" cat, but really, she was my parent's cat. I always considered her more of a roommate.

Of course, like many pets, she started out not as my parent's cat, but a cat that was brought home for my sister - who wanted a cat. My mom disputes it, but I remember it pretty clearly. Cleo was quickly adopted by the "house", and my parents became the primary caretakers - like many pets brought home for children and teenagers.

for the first years that I knew Cleo, we mostly just moved around one another, like ships passing in the night. She was standoffish and vocal, I was unwilling to be an employee. I then went away to university, only seeing her on visits home. We got another cat, our dog died, and Cleo cooled down a little - but always loved exploring outside. We got along much better.

fast forward 10 years, and my parents move to a new house in a new city. I come home from my M.Mus and move into their basement, taking time off before applying to a new school. A now geriatric Cleo is moving slower than usual, but has become more vocal than ever - and she was always quite a talker. She has developed arthritis, but still goes up and down the stairs to her litterbox. She likes the cool, so she hangs out down in the basement with me a lot, both of us snoozing on our respective beds. for the first time, really, we grow close and lots of chin and head petting ensued. Those were her favourite places to be petted and scratched.

Around 8 months ago, Cleo started to have a hard time keeping down food. Different foods were tried to little success. Then we noticed she was drinking crazy amounts of water. eventually, in Late January, the cat specialist came back with a diagnosis that Cleo's kidneys were failing, and were in pretty late stages. We picked up medication, and my mom gave it to her via oral syringe every day until this morning.

This morning, at 10:30 am, my mother swaddled Cleo's now thin, frail and aching body in a towel and brought her out to my car. We dropped off the empty liquor bottles first, for the deposit, before we went to the vet. That bothered me - it felt like it inferred that the vet visit was just another errand.

at 11:00 am, my mom and I entered the euthanization room at our vet. Everyone was very nice, and we took our time to say goodbye as her doctor administered the medication - two stages.

As someone who is not a particularly emotive person (occasionally "aggressively rational"), it is a difficult feeling to mourn a cat. It brings up painful feelings of times when people in my life have died but I was too emotionally unavailable (busy hating myself) to acknowledge a grieving period. I have a lot of complicated feelings right now.

Here is Cleo. thanks for reading.

'Sp00ns