Howdy. You know, I'm not usually one to give out advice over the internet unless it's something along the lines of "Dude, don't waste your money on 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow!'" I mean, the world is one hell of a crazy place and I barely know my own part in it, let alone anyone else's. Reading this though, I feel compelled to share some initial thoughts though. Don't think of it as advice per se, because I don't think I have a right to tell you what to do with your life. Instead, think of it as just what I'd do in your shoes.

So, as you all may know my guy & I have been having tiff after tiff. Tonight though things came to blows when he saw a message on my phone that looked like I was attempting to buy drugs.

Now, I realize that looks bad, infact I KNOW it's really bad. I've never actually bought drugs. Just in my own psychotic universe it's nice to know that there's somewhere I can get drugs if I so need them. That if I was that abandoned by my doctors I'd have a backup plan for my pain. My messages are usually something like this:

"I'm available on X date between X times if you're up for a deal" then X date and time come up and I cop out "No, sorry can't today."

This behavior is unsafe. For multiple reasons. You've already seen that it has a negative impact on your relationship. Worse all though, you're dancing on the edge of temptation. Sure, you don't want drugs now, but the fact that you know where to get them means that all it takes is a moment of emotional weakness or extreme curiosity and you'll find yourself going down an ass crazy rabbit hole. Delete those contacts. Isolate yourself from something that you know is bad.

Ever since being released from the hospital I've been struggling with my pain. more than normal. I'm freaked out and don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my doctor for more medication for fear he'll just kick me out of pain management for going through my script too quickly. And I don't want to be left out in the cold in that painful situation.

Yeah. That's a rough spot. On the one hand, it's important to have an open dialogue with your doctor because obviously you need help. On the other hand though, getting cut off is a real possibility. If I were in that situation, I'd do three things.

One, learn to ride out the pain. I know that sounds like shitty advice but one of the best skills a person can develop in their life is the perseverance and the patience to bear hardships. Two, see if you can't find some pain management alternatives. Heat pads, massages, I dunno. I'm not a doctor. Three. Talk to your doctor. Most are reasonable people. Say "Look, I'm trying really hard here, but I'm having a tough time. You gotta believe me. Is there anything we can do? Upping my prescription? A new pill combo? What are your thoughts on the matter?" See what he has to say. I mean, for the love of God, you're on a feeding tube, so you're obviously not some goon looking for a fix.

"My boyfriend and I have pretty much been on the rocks from day one."

Now, it seems like we are pretty much over. I feel pretty broken. Tomorrow we're gonna talk and chances are I'm going to be moving into my parents house back in California to give him space from me. Right now he just wants the relationship to be over and that hurts me so much because, I've put my all into this. I love him so much, my family likes him too, I can't believe I was such an idoit and fucked it up so horribly.

I never meant to hurt anyone, but I did and now I have to deal with the consequences and exciting this relationship when we had JUST made our first steps to move in together and do anything.

You fucked up. He fucked up. Everybody fucked up. You're young. You're in your 20s. That's the decade in life where you're supposed to fuck up. Take everything that is happening to heart and learn from it good and right so that you don't make these kinds of mistakes down the road. Going back to your parents sounds like a good idea. I know you just got a job and all down there, but maybe you need a familiar routine to help you get your head straight. Chances are, if you asked them, they'd probably say the same.

I don't want him to feel trapped because of finances so, I'm going to help him out as much as possible. It's the least I can do, but I feel like a pig.

Keep in mind you don't owe him anything unless you're legally obligated, like a lease or being a cosigner on a car loan. If you feel like helping him out, in a way you're letting yourself stay trapped in an aspect of this relationship.

xofaith, you're awesome and the world belongs to you. Don't forget that. The thing is though, the world and our relationship with it is a very fragile thing. So slow down a bit and be gentle with the way you handle things. Chances are you'll find the outcomes more favorable.