Y'all are asleep right now but I'm going to post this anyway. I used the word self-doubtski in Pubski this week and lil turned it into a tag so I'm going to use it here, I think this is the first post on it.
Lately I've been having some serious commitment issues. I have a job, which is a great opportunity, but I'm realizing that once this contract is up there's nothing stopping me from jumping ship and going somewhere else and changing jobs, laterally moving, etc. It's very fluid when you know there's a distinct possibility of doing something else in a little over a year and while it's providing me drive to do well, it's not providing me with any sort of long-term commitment to this company. Which might be a good thing. The same goes with a potential relationship, I'm having a lot of trouble making that kind of a commitment right now for various reasons. My life has been very transient lately, and I think I've become accustomed to the rapid pace of meeting people and developing a relationship up to a certain point and then not having the time in one location to move past that point. But now I'm settled into one spot and have that opportunity, but it doesn't feel like something I'm able to give 100% to doing and it feels almost wrong because at one point I was very interested in a relationship in general and now I'm not sure what I want. Part of it is the fact that I might not be here in a little over a year and it almost feels like a waste to be tied down in a firm relationship at this stage in life (early 20s).
In general, it seems difficult to become committed to anything when life is moving so fast and there are constantly new opportunities and new people. Maybe a lot of it is a fear of opportunity lose and the thought that there's always something else out there I'm missing and some new experience to be had, and some of that almost certainly comes from this move and all of those experiences. This is something I haven't felt before at this intensity which is why this post is happening.
Does anyone else have similar experiences? Do you find yourself having trouble making commitments? What happens for you to become committed to a person, place, idea, etc.? Am I being crazy?
tl;dr: I don't feel committed to anything right now (work, place of living, relationships) and it's not how I was expecting to feel at this stage of the game and I want to know how you feel about these kind of things.
wasoxygen wrote this to me today which is wildly true and appropriate:
Actually, you may be a Hubski user if you constantly struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure because the list of things you want to do is so much longer than the list of things you get done.
So, know that you are not alone. A lot of people see me as someone who has their shit together and is accomplishing tons of shit and is owning life. My secret is.... I'm not. I just pretend I am. Fake it until you make it.
Do the best to you can possibly do at what you are doing and let the doors open themselves. Choose which door to walk through in 6 months or a year or whenever you are forced to make a decision. Don't worry too much about where you will be in a year, focus now on having the best time, being the best person you can be (for you.. your partner...your job...your work), and making as many opportunities as you can for yourself.
Some things will work out and some won't. But at least you won't regret living life halfway. It's more likely that you will regret that than you will regret making one decision over another.