I threw away something that made me so happy. I had what I needed - a safe place, friends, and freedom. Then I threw it all away. I've spent many days with this regret gnawing at my heart. I try so hard to hide it. I'll hide and let tears fall when they can't stand being locked up any longer.

Once, I was able to reveal to the world a genuine smile. They didn't see the pain behind it but that was okay because that smile was still real. I could grasp the happiness. I could pull it to me and embrace it. I'd hold onto it for as long as I could but I made the same mistake over and over. I didn't enjoy this happiness. It was incredibly difficult to enjoy it when I had dark thoughts pestering me all the time. They'd restrain me and bring me back to the good memories in such a taunting way.

"Don't you want to go back there?" One would whisper.

"That was a good time, but it's gone now. Now you're here." Another would smirk.

Every day consisted of this. They made me cry and I wished they would go away but I had no idea how to stand up to them! The times I hid and cried were when those dark thoughts bothered me the most. They pushed me around and ripped the smallest shreds of my heart off. I know small amounts shouldn't hurt; they're small!

But you have to keep in mind sometimes... the smallest problems can lead to bigger problems.

One small mistake in a math problem will result in the wrong answer. Skipping the instructions to building your car will not end successfully. Sometimes these small problems can create huge disasters.

I can still function though I struggle to. I search for an unknown remedy, hoping that it will cure and sew these scars up. I find that the scars get worse when I do this. So much wasted time. So much of this time could go into what I enjoy. What happens if I don't enjoy it anymore and everything becomes pale? It all becomes dull? That's where I'm stuck. The colors in this world are bright some days and these are the days where I feel completely relaxed. It doesn't last very long, though. Days like today are gray. I look up, hoping to see the gorgeous blue sky. I look around and hope to lay in the vibrant green grass. I hope to feel the wind carry my tears away.

But I don't. Rain pours down and the trees lose their leaves. The sun shies behind the clouds. The clouds don't bother me, though. They cry with me and allow me a place to bury my head in their fluffiness and scream. A place where I can kick those dead leaves and break small branches. A place where I can be with my friends: Anger, Confusion, and Dull. I spend time with each of them and move onto the next when the other is finished with me.

Then I'm taken to the bright days. It's an endless cycle. I believe I opened this up when my fear finally took control of my mind and my heart. I'm stuck and I don't know how to find the way out. The world is scary and the bit of strength I have left is used as a shield to hide the war inside my mind.

And I can't find my way out.