Got the real interview for the job I was super interested in this Thursday! Fingers crossed I do well, I’ll need to prepare a bit but I’m excited.

Got one job offer I declined because it lacked future potential and seemed too easy. Feels like a waste jumping through a thousand hoops to reject the offer. Nothing promising on the horizon right now - I didn't get a call back from my previous pre-interviews yet (but there is one I am very interested in. It's nice to know there are cool jobs out there I can at least get pre-interviewed for). So it's time to ramp up the CV-sending. Next week, I'm volunteering for a startup fest. for a day, which gives me access to it for the whole week of networking. I feel like I do better in person and it's more fun than CV sending. Maybe something will come of this! Being a generalist with a massive diversity of experiences gives me confidence in my abilities but also makes it hard to pass the HR filtering.

Meh. It’s like wishing your local coffee shop was as popular as Starbucks. We can definitely handle more traffic, but also don’t think expansion is on the horizon.

Had my first interview that came out of the job search today. I feel like I bombed it while also being over-qualified. Like the interviewer was talking down to me in certain moments. I definitely need the practice to appear more professional and on point to score interviews in higher level jobs and communicate I can do them effectively.

First day back on the wagon - made it trough my month of no drinking! I'm quite proud of myself for sticking to it, I feel it was a good and much needed reset and it gave me some good perspectives.

I had lots of engaging conversations with my family. I'm sure having the first being born grandchild helped but it's been nice to feel this closeness and family pattern introspection with everyone. Like everyone is recallibrating and finding their place in their new roles, super cool.

Had lots of meaningful hangs with the friends too, and with new friend groups. Everyone was really supportive and it's reassuring to know I have the same solid group of peeps with me if I want to keep it wholesome :) A few awkward moments sprinkled in there, I think I've inadvertently gotten used to be surrounded by a big community of people that know and care about me. It happened slowly and I didnt realize in most social situations people know more of me than I know of them. So showing up at new parties where I was a stranger was really unsettling. I felt like a fish out of water, didn't quite know how to even start a conversation or introduce myself. But I think I'll get my mojo back once i'm back traveling on the road at hostels. I used to be a professional small talker after all.

On the downside, I don't know if it's the seasonal funk or the lack of work and structure - but motivation even on the getting outta bed level has been hard lately. And not having the excuse of a hangover puts it at the forefront. I expected to be MORE productive sober but in the end i think i was less so. My major "to-do" points are in order so i'm all good. But all the optional things that are supposed to make me feel good instead of scrolling are picking up dust and I don't know how to kick myself in the ass to get going.

There is so much snow right now, it's beautiful. Things are looking up. Still not drinking, seeing friends and family a lot, my place finally feels like it got to a clean and organized state with only a couple tweaks left. I'm almost done making my yearly recap photo albums for the last 2 years. I've been watching lots of movies, going on art expos and reading books. I feel that i'm in a good place right now.

I’ve been in a slump, but my mom came over the other day to start tackling my to-do list (did a whole fridge cleanup ) and it gave me a lil boost to get things moving. Got the ball rolling on a lot of things today, and I feel like I want to keep going. A nice environment makes me feel good. I can’t wait for my old place to feel like my own again.

Moving back to my apartment tomorrow. Mental health has been so-so and I feel like I’m developing a drinking problem. Feeling supported by my loved ones, but it also involves drinking every night and usually not in small quantities. With leaves me extremely unproductive during the day, until my evening plans. Fuck… will need to get this under control before it becomes a more permanent problem.

Hail the Lories of this world!

Community is what makes the work worthwhile - with my friends I’m willing to spend a week shoveling a trench. For corporate profits, fuck off and hire an excavator.

I still come to this forum, and care about everyone’s updates on the pubski. Just the plain support and reality checks have influenced my life in a tangible way. 5 years ago I had an opportunity to go drive around the states as a photographer and get paid for it - but I was scared to accept the job and had about 5 different justifications. Kleinbl00 told me I was an idiot if I didn’t go for it, and it has been one of the best jobs I ever had :)

I think we’ll both be better for it in the end - but it’s gonna be rough for a bit. Grateful to have many awesome friends around to support and distract. Not sure how long it will take me to actually date again or if I’ll ever find a life partner type of deal.

Got the poofer to work today!!!! There are still things to finish up but I’m happy we got it to poof - and learned a ton. The hardest part was just sourcing some of the parts, but now I know where to find stuff in the city. The only thing they didn’t work out is getting a whistle valve - turns out they are crazy expensive. Cheapest one we found was 200$ which made no sense with our 500$ budget. So it’s a bit less satisfying but we went for a simple ball valve for the control.

Looking to source some missing parts for our steel 360 seesaw too. About 2 week until the event and we didn’t start building yet. My friend found most of the materials at least. I feel a bit bad not helping so far and probably not being too useful in the coming build but I did the part he would have never - getting the grant money. I tried helping the conception, and engeneer minded people at work just got me sidetracked with over complicated computer models when all I asked was metal purchase advice.

Loosing focus at work. I’m really not excited about it anymore and a bit burned out. Feels like I’m wrangling volunteers to do chores. Doing projects with people that are having fun is way nicer. Buckling in to tough it out through the summer. Then hopefully off to India, and then something new. I don’t know what yet.

Turned 27 on Tuesday. Had a few people over for a small BBQ and it was a good time. I have this strange reflex where I want to mark the passage of time, by travelling somewhere. I find myself thinking if I don't go anywhere this summer, it will be a wasted summer. Even if I'm enjoying and accomplishing stuff at work. Having fun little get togethers with friends. It's like without "big events" or "trips" time slips through my fingers. Because it can't be "the summer I went on a roadtrip to X"

I wanted to go to the Atlantic provinces, because i've only ever been to Prince Edward Island as a 6 or 7 year old once. But then my boyfriend seems not super excited at the idea - and is still willing to do it for my sake. So now i'm starting to doubt and thinking maybe it's more of a fun trip to do with a group of friends. And researching, it seems expensive and a lot of driving, to get to someplace similar to Maine. What I TRULY wanted from that trip is get to St Johns in Newfoundland and just pure remote places out there, but it's not realistic in the timeframe we have. it's like i'm trying to decide between no trip or a lukewarm trip. Both sucky options, because what I really want is an adventure. Something I've been missing so much with Covid - pure exploration. I could probably scratch that itch with some outdoorsy stuff, but my boyfriend's not the partner for that and the planning required to get started without guidance seems overwhelming.

If anyone on here has ever been to PEI, New Brunswick or Nova Scotia, i'm all ears :) Because right now google is showing me a lighthouse and a giant Lobster statue as top attractions, and i'm starting to loose my enthusiasm.

The trailer build is advancing! Fixed the leaky corners, installed insulation and the wooden backbone. Next step: plug up the last holes from obsolete stuff like kitchen vents, equal out the bumps and put on the first paint layer! Really happy to be out of the destruction phase and building up the place. I can't wait to install the laminate flooring and the wooden back wall. I feel like we've been putting in lots of work on the structural side, and it all moves slowly, but once we start putting in the aesthetic stuff, it will transform from a piece of shit trailer to a nice hangout spot really fast.

My life has been really busy lately - but the good kind of busy. A 30h work week is just enough to keep my schedule full and leaves me space for side project (like the trailer and my tiny front garden), seeing friends and family, an extra work contract and the plastic recycling non-profit. If it wasnt for Covid, maybe i'd want to see friends more and I'd have to cut stuff out.

Had my final interview 2 days ago, and a much needed talk with my friend/potential future boss about our complicated relationship. Proud of myself about how I handled it all, and I feel much better now that I've laid all my cards on the table. Looks like there is one other strong candidate for the job i want, I've done everything that could be done and now it's just a waiting game until to board makes a final decision. If they don't pick me, I think it means i'm not the right person for the job because i've been honest about what i bring to the project and my wants/expectations. It will disappoint me, but the concerns they brought up about potential pitfalls are valid and I can see why they might want to hire someone with an outsider perspective vs someone like me that has been involved almost since the start. So my life will either change dramatically in the next few weeks, or not at all. I do need some change right now, so if this is not the change that comes, I'll need to make something else happen. I have a few other vague ideas of a direction I'd like to take in my life, that will involve some research about the opportunities available to me. I'll delay this research until i get a confirmation on the job, but 2021 is a year I need to make some decisions and moves career-wise.

Bernie is so memeable, in the most wholesome possible ways. It's refreshing after the past 4 years of constant outrage.

Ha! Here I was last week, saying I don't want to get a job, and now I've been hired on a short term, part-time contract for some basic social media management. It's funny how life works out sometimes. It's some super easy work, pretty good pay and I can go right back to government money once they stop paying me out in 6 weeks. It's a little funny that the organization I'm working for is a Cultural/Religious Community, that I only tangentially belong to and have never had any intentions of participating in. In big part because having grown up in a multitude of immigrant communities of the city, I'm too aware of how toxic it can all get very quickly. As someone integrated in Canadian/Quebecois society, I don't feel the need to find belonging with people from my origins. And these social spaces while useful and reassuring to new immigrants, to me feel claustrophobic and disingenuous. In their aim to help and support newly arrived people, they often also trap them in a bubble, an alternate reality of our society. Not to mention my lack of belief in their religious convictions.

But... this organization seems sincere in their ambition to help, have places for kids and adults to meet and find community, learning opportunities, good deeds and all that. I don't mind doing this work for them, I feel it's not my place to judge anyone's beliefs and everyone I have met so far seem very nice. I just feel a little guilty for being an outsider I guess? While i'm helping them, I'm motivated by money and would not be doing any of it otherwise. I'm not very used to work on things that I'm not passionate about, where I have a detachment from the work. I think it can be a good experience - being very emotionally involved with my work is my usual thing, and it can affect my mood in other aspects of my life. Maybe i'll find out a little distance is good? Maybe i'll hate it? Let's see how this goes!

I'm just a little... offended? when my mom was proud of me for getting this job. I feel i'm massively over-qualified, and am doing much harder and more meaningful things with the non-profit. I don't make money - but that's a choice, not that I don't think I can land a job at some corporate office and start earning. This work is almost like supermarket-level grunt work for my industry, and it just confirms to me she doesn't really understand what I do or who I am or what I value :(

I can't believe summer is almost over! I've been busy, but I can't shake this feeling like i've been wasting my time too much. Time has just been melting away the past few years, in a way it wasn't before. Is this what getting older feels like? I feel I will wake up being 60 years old in a few moments and didn't realize half my life has slipped away already. Somehow, I need to have some concrete accomplishments under my belt, some progress to feel good. I've learned a lot, done lots of random eclectic tasks. But it's all pretty directionless in general. Time to bang out some items off the bucket list and maybe make some more concrete plans for the rest of the year. But what I actually want to do with my time right now is take 1000 classes about all the random skills I'd like to learn. Screen printing, develop photos the old school way, learn to weld, build fire art, fire spin, pottery, sewing, basic programming, electronics, CAD software, get good at identifying wild mushrooms, fishing, butchering... all very doable things to learn at a basic level but all requiring a certain time/money investment and most importantly prioritizing. Some of these things I'm almost ashamed I don't already know how to do, as it seems so simple.The free government money's over - so it's time for my biannual "what am i doing with my life" review :)

Whaaat a birthday weekend I had! Best one ever. My super generous friend lent me access to his cabin on a private Ukrainian community road, in a beautiful pine tree forest. We installed a big tarp, so we can all hang out outside and keep a social distance. We were about 14 people, but it truly felt like less because it really was the absolute minimum core group. I got to show my friends the Ukrainian camp across the road, where I met my boyfriend 8 years ago. It was funny to see their reaction and how excited they were to have that glimpse into our past! The rainy first half of the day Saturday meant most other people stayed back in the city and we had the beach to ourselves to go swimming.

The beach is about 15 min walk from the cabin. And we've been talking about getting there through the river for months now with my friend. So we finally did it last Saturday in a little inflatable boat. My friend's been on many rafting expeditions in his life, and having this little crash course was super cool. He was showing me how to read the water, avoid rocks and navigate potential rapids. The moment imprinted in my brain is us floating down, under the rain in rain coats, the boat is upside-down because it worked better that way - and waving at some local neighbours across the river sipping beer on their patio. A truly comical moment, i'm sure we looked ridiculous but I was having a blast. We also saw about 7 ducks bathing, from a 2m distance. It was like stock footage from National geographic - I had never seen animals like that up close in their natural habitat doing their thing. And they didn't even get spooked by us.

I had practiced a little rope dart (a spinning toy - basically a weight attached to a rope) in the past year, but had stopped since I broke the one I had in the Netherlands this fall. Never got around making a new one. But the friend I had initially started practicing with, went all in during Covid - and had progressed to fire spinning with it. She brought all the gear and fuel, my other friend has done plenty fire and had all the safety training. We went to the sand pit to watch them spin - and unexpectedly she places the rope dart in my hands and starts safety-briefing me. Everything was set up, and all i had to do was to spin that fire ball! I had so much fun, but I did regret not having more moves. Time to make/buy a new one and practice some moves so that next time it's even better! Definitely a highlight of my birthday to have done fire, without all the usual learning and prep involved. Just handed to me on a silver platter, it was epic :)

Mac and cheese is my favorite meal - and I never managed to make it right from scratch myself. But boxed mac and cheese is such a comfort food when out camping. Current favorite being the Annie's deluxe, where you don't need any ingredients that spoil.

Reading from my personal perspective, the "average" police work feels very familiar to me. At Burning Man, I've done Ranger training, where you become the official first responder, with a radio calling for emergencies but mostly dealing with conflicts and noise complaints. Sometimes bigger things like consent violations, assault, drug-induced states that require compassion.

Judging by how similar the actual work is, it's crazy how different the typical person it attracts is when you don't have toys like guns to play with. I find BM Rangers to be usually nerdy, compassionate people very concerned with Doing The Right Thing, due process and feedback. Annoyingly so at times, where sometimes i find they take things too seriously and my dark humour dosen't read well with everyone.

One of the first thing explained in training is the concept of "social capital" where you have to be nice to everyone and earn "capital" so they respect and acknowledge your non-existant authority. And actually listen to you if at some point you come tell them nicely to lower the music.

Sure, there's not a lot of gang violence and poverty to deal with at a festival, but I think there are still a lot of parallels to be drawn. Our job as first responders is to de-escalate situations to avoid having to call the police. The only times cops are called are basically when an arrest needs to be made for serious stuff like a participant assaulting someone. I can see how police work can be both draining emotionally and boring as hell. So people that got in for the flashy car chases, start provoking and instigating violence for a little action.

Did some pandemic themed embroidery on my sweater - probably my best work yet! The one thing I found missing is a white pencil to draw the outline in a more visible way. I’ll add it to the shopping list!

Also made some doodles:

Right side is sketched based on an old photo. I feel like these type of drawing could look good with watercolor.

"Winter Landscape With A Bird Trap"

Oil on panel. 37,5 × 56,2 cm

Pieter Brueghel the Younger

We had a fundraiser party at the maker space for the « nuit blanche » last Saturday. Nuit blanche is an event every year when the metro and museums are open all night, there is a bunch of art in the city and lots of events. Our party was a bit last minute, it was more of a test run to see the demand so maybe we can apply for art grants next year.

It was a simple setup - fire and some lights outside, DJ inside with a bar and chill area. Entry was free and we were fundraising with the bar sales. It started off slow, but then I think word got around and we reached the 100 people capacity. People were waiting outside in the cold forever, and it was a bit crazy. I guess that’s what happens when there is no cover charge. I spent most of my night at the door because my friend running it was hilarious. It felt like a scene from an absurd movie - chaos and cold outside, my friend in a fascist looking jacket and a Hawaiian shirt drawing circles on the smokers hands, yelling at the line with a megaphone telling them the party is almost over and they should just go home, my other friend giggling and watching the baby monitor while the dad dances, some drugged out weirdo rambling about who knows what, DJs complaining their friends were stuck outside and nobody giving a shit... our tag line the whole night was « it’s free! »

The real party was after anyway - we cleaned everything up and danced, hung out and had fun. Sometimes I wonder how I got so unbelievably lucky with the people that surround me :)

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

We’re at about that time of year where my financial anxiety starts setting it. My only real/steadyish source of revenue are my tours in the summer (I’ve tried giving them in winter, but it’s proving to be not viable). So when in January I have nothing to do, and my bank account starts slowing draining it always makes me question my life decisions. Because there is no real guarantee the tours will pick back up well in the summer. And it’s not really a lifelong career so I really should be looking for something else in the meantime.

It’s a bit annoying that I come to this place every year. And then loop thought the same thoughts again.

- what’s an easy money business I should start now?

- maybe I should start applying for jobs?

- what am I actually good at and could be a valuable skill for someone to hire me for?

- fuck this, it would be cheaper to go live in Asia, travel or something for the winter maybe?

- feeling unproductive and lazing around on the couch self-loathingly

- volunteering at various places so I feel less like a lazy fuck

I feel I’ve been coping a bit better than usual this year with the precious plastic project - but there is no financial gain in sight. I’ve probably volunteered hundreds of hours on passion projects this year, and i love it. But sometimes I wish I could do that without being stressed about paying my bills.

And I feel like my parents are judging me a little right now for not having a game plan :( i know they love me, but i feel like a disappointment when every time I see them I just get grilled on what I’m doing and my mom tries to convince me to go get a masters degree in something (anything).

I decided to stop being a stubborn dumb fuck and just go to London. Literally 3 people that were my closest friends at some point in my life live there now. I almost feel like the recipient of a weird curse where I make a close friend, bond and hang out for about 2 years, and then they inevitably move to London. I have 9 people on my "to see" list. And I had multiple offers of free accommodation, without even asking. Better than going to Berlin (even if I like the city more, they have Club Mate and awesome affordable food and fun parties). Got my plane ticket for next Monday and I'm super exited about this!

Made a short trip to Antwerp this Sunday to hang out with my friend from Montreal that's in Europe for a work thing this month. It was a great day, walking around and talking - kind of felt like Before Sunrise in a way. And it was nice being around someone that knows me. Being around new people all the times makes every conversation heavy with context setting for a while. I've really had nothing but really great and deep conversations about literally anything with her. She's super knowledgeable, smart, has interesting thoughts and ideas... while being the biggest messy explosion externally. I think it's her second time this year losing her passport, and she gets lost literally anywhere. But i'm not much better. I've washed my passport once this year and missed my bus to see her in Antwerp (but the bus driver let me hop on the next bus for free and we had a nice chat about his experience as a Moroccan living in Belgium). Maybe that's why we get along so well.

In about 10 days, I'll be done with the plastic project i've been helping on and I'll have about 2 week of free time in europe. Right now, I have exactly zero plans. I really don't want to spend much money and hostels are kind of expensive in northern europe, so wherever i find a free place to crash is top of the list. Thinking of exploring around Belgium/Netherlands/Germany? Really drawn to Berlin, as usual. But maybe i'll cave and go to the UK. I don't really like London honestly, but I know so many people there I might suck up my dislike of the city in favour of seing some friends.

Maybe I'm just in a crappy mood today, but the prospect of going through a touristy checklist of sights in the cold and without much budget sounds really unappealing right now. I need to find some purpose or direction to make this travel time more enjoyable.

Had the most amazing weekend with about 8 of my friends at my parent's country house. I'm really lucky they have this place we can use sometimes :) I did miss the climate march in favor of driving up north for the chalet. Feeling a little guilty about that, Montreal had a great turnout at about half a million people, including Greta. My favorite article about the event: https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/09/trudeau-comes-to-montreal-climate-strike-to-protest-self/

In the final prep before my move to Eindhoven, Netherlands next Monday. I've been (not super successfully) trying to edit my backlog of Africa roadtrip videos so I can finally delete the footage and make space on my computer. I'm going to really need it. It's funny how my YouTube travel thing never really picked up. But i've met some really cool people through it, and the skills are what enabled me to jump into this fun new project. No regrets!

EDIT - Got one africa video done!

The conspiracy theories will abound on this one... I’m inclined to believe it was murder (dun dun duuuun)

Harry Potter is the closest I've ever came to become part of a "fandom". I find it starts really light and fun as any kids book, but it does get a lot more serious and dark towards the end. The contrast in tone is seriously shocking when you re-read the first book after going through the series. But growing up with the books, and having years in between them it was perfect :) Enjoy!