I’m always honest with you guys, so I’m gonna be upfront here. I tried creating another account, baseballninja, but I have no idea how to activate it. So I found the password to an old account. I wrote all this last night, but here I am now. It’s been what, two years now? I don’t know. Time has lost meaning.

I’m here to pontificate about baseball, maybe cartoons like Ninja Turtles or some shit from time to time, but mostly baseball. I fell in love with it last year. Twitter is a cesspool of angry people and so many bots it’s not funny. Reddit is a hell hole. I don’t even fucking get discord, so here I am, because I’m lonely, my life is a disaster, and every day I go to bed alive is a small miracle.

If you want to know where I’m at, here’s a dump for you. It’s greyed out, cause shit gets really real, really quick.

Mental Health

I think dimensia is starting to kick in. I get confused and lost easily, have a hard time remembering words and events, and other shit.

I suffer from OCD, real, fucking, bad. We’re talking losing on average 2-4 hours a day just to hand washing and showering and shit. There’s times where I lose an hour just to a single hand washing session cause I just can’t get it right. The doctor I went to see for it, cause he was free at the time, accidentally made it worse. The coping mechanisms he taught me were for PTSD, a way to rationalize through your fears. Turns out, doing that shit makes OCD worse. Now that I know better, I’m trying to find a specialist for OCD here in the city, but wouldn’t you know it, no one is taking on new patients. Ever. No matter who I call, I get told to check back in three to six months. I’ve damn near given up.

My friends and social life

One turned into a red piller. Another is about to be homeless and there’s nothing I can do to help and I don’t know if I can bear to watch. Another is, I am starting to suspect, in some weird white nationalist uber conservative church and doesn’t fucking want to admit it. Another I’ve stopped talking to because they went shit crazy. Another lives literally 10 hours away. The Baha’is around here rarely do anything in person and the in person events they do are often when I’m working. Everyone else works when I’m free and vice Vera. My own fucking family never calls or texts unless I call or text first. I text friends memes to stay in touch. Outside my coworkers, my only socialization is with my wife, and for so many reasons that puts a strain on our relationship but we’re trying to manage.

My Career

I work at a pet store now, cause I can’t get a job anywhere else, and you’d think being a germaphobic animal lover who hates corporate America would make it hard enough, but worse, it’s in a baaad part of town. We’re talking having to have locks on our bathrooms because people use them for drugs and prostitution. We’re talking about witnessing people beat their own pets and children in front of God and everybody. We’re talking about a murder happening literally right next door cause two shoppers got into a heated argument during the holiday season. We’re talking serious tragic and fucked up homelessness. On and on I could go, the stories I could tell, you wouldn’t fucking believe me. They happen, I tell people about them, and no one ever fucking believes me except my coworkers, cause we’ve fucking seen it all. If one of you guys got a text from your roommate that said “Hey, you can’t come home right now. There’s an active shooter situation at our apartment complex and the police won’t let anyone in or out” you’d probably think it’s sensational or some shit. For the people I work with? That’s like the fucking weather report.

For real, I’m as kind as possible to as many people as possible at work every single day. Partly because I’m in so much pain, it brings reality into a new perspective that I want to do everything I can to keep other people from feeling what I feel on a daily basis. But also? I kind of don’t wanna get shot in the face cause I pissed off the wrong customer.

I’m in a dark, dark, dark place. There’s been some storms I’ve had to ride out and my m sure there’s more to come. I’m only here cause honestly, I don’t even fucking know what to do anymore. I’m not looking for help though, I don’t want sympathy or pity or support. I literally just want a safe corner of the internet to say shit like “This series between Boston and Baltimore has been insane and I can’t wait to see what happens next” or”here’s a list of catchers I think are amazing” or “I love that The Pirates give up on seasons so early, cause then they bust out the rookies and I love watching rookies hustle.”

So I’m back. I’m sorry and not sorry. I’ll warn you though, a lot of days, I’m just a ball of emotion. Put up with me or don’t, I don’t care, I’m gonna ramble about baseball anyway.

And if you’re blocked, it’s cause I barely have the energy to make it through the day, I don’t have any to put up with you. Doesn’t mean I hate. Doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person. I’m just really, really tired.

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I’m literally watching tonight’s Baltimore/Boston game while I wait for the ability to post. So here are thoughts.

Adley Rutschman is amazing. I have a special place in my heart for Jonah Heim and Tyler Stephenson though.

Boston’s City Connect Jersey is hideous. It looks like it belongs to some European Team. The Padres Jersey is worse. The Brewers and Angels have some cool ones though.

I’m surprised that Boston and Chicago White Sox both had seasons that fell apart. After Baltimore’s rough previous few seasons, this one was so fun, even if they don’t get a wild card slot. Can’t wait for next year for them. Or The Rangers.

I don’t care about pitch clocks, but I’m so glad they’re banning the shift. 4 men outfields and such were just stupid. Why even call them positions if they’re not gonna stick to them?

Players I love to keep an eye on. Jonah Heim. Oneil Cruz. Jonathan India. Keston Huira. Ryan Mountcastle. Way too many. On I could go.

Shohei deserves MVP.

Mancini being trade to Houston was a tragedy. Him being a bench player is a literal crime.

Is Kansas City even a real baseball team? I don’t think I’ve ever paid them even the remotest attention.

Fucking baseball. One of the few things that make sense. I’m glad I found it.

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Woke up to use the bathroom and the wife’s Angels game was just starting. I sat down to watch a bit. Logan O’Hoppe is making his major league debut. He’s a catcher. I’m a sucker for catchers. I love catchers. So much ride on them. Watched a few innings. His first MLB at bat was a clean single, maybe he’ll be okay.

One of the best and worse times of my life was when I was so broke, it was scary. I was in such despair, every little moment of happiness was like brushing against the clouds of heaven. A six pack of beer. Fresh vegetables. Cooking rice and beans and discount ground beef with friends and enjoying it. D&D sessions. Sitting outside and just listening to music. All of it was sublime, it was worth the moments of empty fridges, worrying about how to pay bills, getting angry over deadbeat roommates and free loader friends. Like Ying and Yang, every moment of hardship brought every moment of happiness into stark focus. But the despair and the happiness both were tangible, easily identified and embraced.

People talk about wealth like its dollars and sense. Material wealth just turns the world into a grey blob. No color. No contrast. No texture.

Wealth isn't about having things. Wealth is about knowing who we are, what makes us happy and why, what hurts us and why, and becoming comfortable with those moments of despair just as much as we enjoy those moments of happiness. We can want good things, and they may never come, and that'll make us feel unfulfilled. We can want to end pain, for ourselves, for others, and that too may never happen, and that unfulfilled want just makes the suffering that much worse.

Wealth isn't about having. Wealth is about being. Be happy. Be sad. Be here. Be there. But above all, be you. Be really, truthfully, you and you'll have a wealth no law, no thief, no disease, and no calamity can ever take from you.

Today was an awful day, but it was also beautiful, and I'm thankful for it all.

It's been said that a shrew's heart is rather fragile and the slightest agitation would cause one to die from a sudden heart attack. Considering all the pictures I've seen of people handling shrews over the years, maybe there's a chance that that's not the case. If I had to guess how that myth started, it probably has to do with the fact that some of them have insane heartbeat rates. The Etruscan Shrew has had a heartbeat measured at 1500bpm, which is crazy, but if you click that link, the very picture they have is of one being handled. So maybe it's a myth, at least, I hope it is. Could you imagine if they were so weak in the heart and they heard about what's going on with the stock market? We'd have shrews dropping left and right. Hearts aside, some are venomous though and if that's not interesting, I don't know what to tell you.

Dala got me Megaman Zero Legacy for the X-Box recently. It's awesome, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a real hard time with it. The various Megaman series, the classic Castlevania games, the classic Sonic games, all of them are a lot harder than I remember. I use save states and such pretty often. It's the only way I can get through these games now. I must be such a disappointment to my childhood gaming self.

Merry Christmas, Pubski! Have a Yule Tide Yak. I had a fun time trying to name animals that would make for great Christmas alliterations. Christmas Koala, Nudibranches of Noel, Festive Foxes, Jolly Jellyfishes, Winter Wrens. The yak won out, partly because it sounds cool, but also for some reason Christmas and farm animals seem to go really well together. A pretty close runner up would have been a Christmas Kookaburra, just because their calls really sound joyful.

The other day, I went for a walk on a trail I've wanted to explore for a while, but haven't because it's about two and a half miles long. I tend to take a real long time on trails, so something that length at my usual pace, would be about a six to eight hour walk. I ended up walking it faster though and finished it in about three hours, but it's such a great trail, when the weather gets better, I'm totally gonna pack some water and power bars and give it the time it deserves (my whole day). When I was walking it though, I was thinking about all of the cool things I was seeing on it that I really wanna share with Dala. We recently went on a guided tour of a trail from one of our local parks and while it was great, the things the guide focused on aren't usually what Dala and I look for in nature and man, this trail would be perfect for me to memorize and point out this, that, and the other to her. It's honestly one of the best I've been on this year. Don't think she'd be up for an eight hour walk though . . .

While I don't wanna dwell on an ugly thing I did, I just wanna say I genuinely, heartfully, appreciate the patience and understanding and kind words from everyone. I was pretty afraid I screwed up real bad, cause I did, and there wasn't any coming back from it. I'm so thankful that wasn't the case. You're all amazing and I'd support you all over anyone who'd say otherwise.

Call and text some of your family and friends today, Pubski. You don't need a special day to spread some cheer, but since it's the season . . . :)

Seeds

The other week I planted in a bunch of planters appleseeds and acorns to keep outside over winter so they can be seedlings in the spring. The other day, when I went out to water them, it looks like a squirrel had sniffed out the acorns and had decided to help itself to them. Which is fine, that's part of life and I kind of figured there was a chance of that happening. Since I have a bunch of empty pots and no acorns now, the other day Dala and I went and gathered pine seeds and planted those instead. They're no oak trees, but they're still pretty, so I'll work with that.

Health

My mental faculties have been on a slow but steady downward trajectory for the past two or three years. It's been pretty easy for me to be in denial about it, because most of the signs so far have been pretty easy to ignore. I say most, because I've been ignoring a big red flag and that's my inability to handle stress. I've been forced out of jobs because of it and I haven't been able to work as much or as well as I used to. Recently though, a new red flag has popped up, and that's when I'm any combination of tired, stressed, or processing too much information, I struggle with speech. I can't remember even basic words and conveying even simple ideas takes so much effort it's an equal combination of embarrassing and scary.

Sucks for Hubski though that, for the most part, my ability to write hasn't been affected yet. Which means you lot will probably have to put up with me for the foreseeable future.

Last Wednesday I had such a great day at work I was reminded of the kind of man I used to be. The rest of the week was a near disaster, reminding me of the man I am now. It was enough to make me realize I can't afford to be in denial anymore, that dementia runs in the family and that coupled with my head injury, the future looks pretty foggy. I'm gonna save up money to visit the neurologist that treated me for my head injury and see where we go from there. A family planner and possibly social worker might be in my future too. In an odd way, finally acknowledging that I'm having some very real problems make things feel less scary and more scary than before.

If anyone has experience in this realm and some advice, I'd love to hear it. No pity though. All things considered I'm still in good shape and I intend to keep it that way.

Here's a stoat. It's as fierce as it is cute.

Keep being the good people that you are, Hubski. The world always needs a little extra patience, a little extra understanding, a little extra kindness. You all have those and more, so don't hesitate to share them. :)

Woo! Tuesday Pubski! Looks like mk can add "Time Traveler" to that impressive resume of his.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I honestly just got on the tablet to check the weather before I head out for a walk.

I hope you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving this week and you're enjoying these last few weeks of fall. :)

Name: rd95/sd86/binder/applewood

Location: My bed

Former Preoccupation: Obsessing over cars, comics, nature, Americana and folk music, crafts and art

Current Preoccupation: Pretty much the same, minus cars and comics, add a new found curiosity for gardening.

Found a job at a place that treats me well, found a new hobby I love (bookbinding), trying my best to do well in the world. Some days I succeed, sometimes I don't.

I grow more and more ambivalent about the internet as time goes on, but man, Hubski's a hard place to quit. There are just too many great people on here.

It's been a hard decade, but beautiful. On paper, there's been a lot of setbacks, but in reality, I'm ending the decade a better person than I started it, not materially, but in essence.

What did this past decade teach you?

Happiness isn't something that happens to you. You have to fashion it. More importantly, you have to fashion it to your vision of happiness, not what you think other people think it might look like. Every now and then, a piece is gonna break off, that's part of life, but with enough practice, you can replace those broken pieces, often for the better.

Art

kingmudsy has got an arts and craft thread up. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. It's awesome as heck to have something like that going again because Hubski is legit filled with some super creative people and it's always wonderful to see what people are working on.

Cars

The other month, I talked about how the third, fourth, and fifth generation Camaros just didn't age well at all, visually speaking. They're all just pretty bland and underwhelming, even with clean bodies and fresh paint. Well, the other day, I was thinking about the Isuzu Vehicross and while it may have been a bit of an odd duck in its day and a bit ahead of its time, it still looks good. I can imagine, with only a few tweaks, the same car could be released today and still fit in. I kind of regret never buying a lightly used one when I had the opportunity. The combination from being a limited run car and from an abandoned brand kept me away, for fear of difficulty getting repair support for it, which is a shame, cause I probably would have loved that car. Ditto for the Pontiac G8.

Videogames

I recently got the Street Fighter Anniversary Collection and have been enjoying the heck out of it. I'm a bit at a loss though, because with the exception of Super Street Fighter II for the Sega Genesis and a little dabbling in Marvel vs. Capcom 1 and 2, Inever really played Street Fighter, instead opting for The King of Fighters series from SNK (I literally had ever King of Fighters game from '94 to XI, plus games like Neo Geo Battle Colosseum, etc.). So I'm basically in the process of learning to use and fight against characters I'm not too familiar with, with a series of fighting systems I'm not too familiar with, and I gotta say, it's quite the challenge. I like Fei Long in Super Street Fighter II, Ken in the Alpha series, and Sean in III. I think I owe it to myself to do a bit more exploring though.

Keep being beautiful everyone.

Birds and People Who Love Them

I went on a Wikimedia bird binge recently and bookmarked a ton of beauties. This is a Gray/Canada Jay and while it's nothing exotic, it's quite lovely. I wanted to share this picture in particular, because its authors are Andy Reago & Chrissy McClarren and they've put a ton of content on Wikimedia. I run across their names constantly on that site and I'm really starting to appreciate the amount of work they must be putting in. It wasn't until recently though that I discovered that they also have a Youtube Channel too. At this rate, I wouldn't be too surprised to find out they have an iNaturalist account.

Speaking of iNaturalist and bird watchers and such, that site is chock full of people worth looking at. One person in particular though, Greg Lasley, I wanna bring attention to. He has over 35,000 observations in seven years. The man clearly loves doing this stuff. He impresses me raw numbers wise, but there are so many awesome people on that site from all over the world, from the occasionally curious, to hobbyists, to hardcore photographers, to researchers, to public workers. The site blows my mind and I'm so glad Dala showed it to me.

Also, I straight up love this photo. It's cute.

Early morning Hubski is best Hubski. You're all beautiful. I'm gonna get me some coffee and cuddle that dog of mine.

Here is a very small sample of some of the books I make. These are the best ones I currently have, but are by no means the best ones I’ve made. Like I told flac last week, when I make a really good book, I’m so excited about it, I can’t wait to give it away. I’m thinking about creating a post eventually, about how I make the majority of my books and why I go that route. It’s funny, because I’ve made so many of them the process seems pretty straightforward to me, but when I stop to think about all of the techniques I use and why I use them, I realize there’s quite a bit of stuff to explain.

In short, I made all of my books with as many natural and bio-degradable materials as possible. The only polymer based materials I intentionally use are PVA Glue and Acrylic Paint. I bind my books with the flat back binding method for two reasons, mostly because I don’t have the tools to do rounding and backing on my books, but also because the extra board on the spine means I don’t have to put headbands on my books if I don’t want to. The one drawback to that binding method is though, while the books open completely, they don't lay flat. It makes writing in them a bit awkward. So it's great for text blocks with pre-existing text already in them, but for journals and sketch books, not so much. When I create my own textblocks, I use linen book tape for reinforcement, french link stitch to help prevent vertical travel between signatures, and kettle stitch on the ends to keep everything nice and secure.

Here’s what a text block looks like by itself.

Here’s a close up of two different lino-cut stamps I’ve made for my books. I like lincocutting a lot. Partly because you can kind of get a woodcut print look out of it, without having to work as hard as you would carving a block of wood. Additionally, because linoleum is made from plant materials, it's biodegradable, which is a plus.

The paint for the dog is Liquitex Acrylic and the rooster on the right is Speedball Block Print Ink for Fabric. I’m not too happy with either. The Luquitex Acrylic, while it dries nice and quick, is really hard to get an even, consistent color out of. I use it though, because I know it’s acid free. I’m saving up some cash this month and I’m gonna buy a few tubes of Luquitex Soft Body Acrylic to see if that’s easier to work with. I’m assuming the answer will be yes. The Speedball Block Print Ink on the other hand, takes forever to dry. We’re talking days. Additionally, I can’t find any information as to whether or not it’s acid free, so there’s that as well.

These are just test prints for the two linocuts I’ve made so far. I’m thinking of buying a button making machine in the future, to turn these test prints into buttons. That way, they’re just not sitting on fabric going to waste.

So yeah. Bookbinding. That’s what I’ve been spending a lot of my free time learning and working on. I have three different projects down the road that I’m gonna try and document to share with you guys, but other than that, if you’re ever wondering what I’m doing with my free time and blowing my money on mindlessly, you’re looking at it.

Have a beautiful day guys.