I remember the day. It was weird. I went to junior high school back then, I think I was in 7th or 8th grade... At home, my father had the TV on aljazeera and he kept repeating "bin Laden finally got you, you maniacs", while his face mirrored the horror he was watching on TV, and knowing fully what that meant for everyone. The next day at school everyone was talking about it in class, and everyone was EXTATIC. Celebrating. I remember that some discussions broke out about it where some students were arguing that the attack killed civilians, but many were quick to counter that many many more civilians were killed by the USA all over the middle East and that this was the only way to do anything against the military power that is the US. In case you didn't realize, virtually everyone in the middle East hates the USA, and usually has a valid reason why to.

I didn't know what to think. I understood both arguments. And even though it is obvious what was right and wrong and that terrorist attacks should never be supported, I still struggled in taking a stance.

Once I made up my mind though, I kept my opinion to myself. Because loudly speaking out against the attacks was an act of treason.

While reading the article, it struck me how the same 12% in the states that were against the war in Afghanistan (and were called traitors), are probably the parallel group to the ones in the middle East who did not support the attacks and were also seen as traitors.

That day, hatred won. Everyone knew what was coming. The wrath of the almighty would thunder down onto the whole middle east for decades. The results of which we see today.

What did it bring? More hatred. More trauma. More generations of hatred.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we would rather have the "traitors" on both sides in positions of power instead of the "warriors" and "heros".

Quite a wild week.

First, I am done with my PhD. The defense went well. Different than I expected and quite tough, but the examiners were happy. The worst was my boss telling me that "we would have given you a summa cum laude, but you didn't publish yet". And the reason I didn't publish yet, is him. Then he wanted to give a short speech and decided to tell the anecdote that my previous PIs gave him contradictory recommendations about me. My Masters' supervisor was very positive while the guy that supervised my first PhD attempt (where I left after 3 months) told him that he should "not touch me". But you know, he gave me a "chance" and he is happy about it... And then went on to talk about our "conflicts" (which were quite few in 6 years in the lab). I was like.... I worked here for 6 years, and that is what you come up with? fuck you. Anyway. there was cake, and arabic food, and non-alcoholic drinks (so my father doesn't freak out) and all was well :)

Here is me, mid-incantation. I have a tie-dyed labcoat I wear to festivals (so people know where to get their drug infos and testing). My lab made me a new one to add to the collection :)

One of the few good family pictures! And one of the few times people will ever see me in more fancy clothes

Second, I might have a spot for a PostDoc! Through some contacts in an NGO that supports psychedelic research in Europe I got connected to a lab in Frankfurt, ran by two female PIs. One working on mice and the other on monkeys. They are doing cross-species translational studies in behavioral neuroscience. Additionally, they are interested in researching psychedelics :) Had two interviews with them and they liked me (and I like them!). They are a younger generation of idealists and it sounds quite nice. The only issue, I need to get my own money. Which means, writing grants... But I am excited to get a chance to work on a topic I am interested in with people that seem to be interested in supporting me for a change.

After the defense (which my family attended) we head to the alps (with a short visit in Ulm, the city I lived at before moving to Heidelberg). A day later, my aunt and grandma from Germany joined us. They just landed back from Mexico a day before and booked a room in the same hotel as us. My grandma was quite tired when she arrived, we all thought it was jetlag. The area we were at has strict COVID guidelines for unvaccinated people. So my grandma (85 years old) and my aunt had to do an antigen test every morning. Two days later my grandma tested positive. The test was repeated and again positive. The hotel urged us to pack our stuff and head back to Germany (in retrospect, they were just scared shitless and me and my parents shouldn't have left, but that's another story). My grandma and aunt head back to my aunts' place and me and my family were on our way back to Heidelberg. Yesterday I started to have a cough. Today I had a fever and a headache. The antigen test turned out positive today in the morning, currently awaiting the results of the PCR test.

Grandma is doing okay. Mild symptoms. I will also be fine. I am just super pissed because my goddamn aunt scared my grandma so much that she didn't get vaccinated, even though she had appointments back in February. And now, through her anti-vaxx shit and lack of responsibility (who the fuck flies to Mexico right now??) she managed to get my grandma and me infected and multiple people across Germany into a 2-week quarantine. In addition, ended a two-week holiday for a whole family which was quite expensive for us (we are not a wealthy family) and adding much more extra costs for everyone involved.

I always asked myself "who the hell are these people bringing all these variants into the countries?". Well, "my aunt" is now a definitive answer.

So, yeah, I will be spending my holidays at home, instead of the Austria alps or berlin. Exactly what I needed after a 6-month thesis crunch. I hope my infection doesn't go that bad. Luckily I already had one shot which is supposed to reduce the severity of infection and transmission.

So, if you have any recommendations for TV shows, games, movies, books (audio), let me know!

View from our room in austria, it was lovely!

There was still some ice on the tops. This one looked interesting...

exhales

Haven't shared what was going with me in a while here. I seem to mainly find time to do it when I am on holidays at home. So, out of my childhood room, I give you my last 6 months of living.

health

I was doing good, really good. Found my way back to Karate, was climbing in between, staying active as a way to manage the stress that is building up in my last year of PhD. And then it happened, I misplaced my foot during sparring, my ankle twisted, and then my knee followed. I heard it. I never thought that I would hear it. The pain was instant. Fast forward by a week of swollen joints and not knowing what is up, my ACL ripped. And that just before summer/festival season. It felt like this started a process of extreme ups and downs that went on until last wednesday. I decided to still go to the burn I wanted to do go. Twisted my unstable knee twice there, didn't care, had surgery in august. Felt like a vegetable for 3-4 weeks. Been recovering well. Twisted my knee again, worried that it ripped again, still don't know if it is fine but doctor says it feels okay, probably not ripped. I figure, either case, I need to get my muscles back, focus on physio and training my legs with the hope that all is fine.

Apart from my knee. I have had stomach troubles for a while and I couldn't quite figure it out. I still don't know exactly, but it seems to be connected with milk products. When I leave them out, reduce my meat/fat intake, eat more salad, my stomach is more happy. Maybe I should listen to my body. Chances are I became lactose intolerant with age? Wasn't sure this could happen. Heard some anecdotes from people where it happened to them during some stressful periods.

PhD

Its the last sprint, my friends. After having my last thesis advisory committee meeting I was told to wrap it up until June next year. Problem is, the main results of the thesis are just being uncovered now. Hypothesis that I have been following for the past year (and my boss believing/betting on for at least that long) are turning out to be false. I am accepting it and looking for other solutions, my boss is not. This lead to one of my hardest progress reports last week. It felt like going into cognitive war with someone who was waaaay too lucky in his career. I felt sick and even more disillusioned by scientists afterwards. How can you claim that you are doing hypothesis driven science and then no accept the results of all the experiments that have been done? Bottom line, he wants to have a look at my raw data of two years of experiments because he doesn'T understand my simple analysis of calcium signals. Funny thing is, all that happened just 30 minutes after he declared in front of the whole group that he is giving me a 1000€ bonus for all the things I do for the lab. Not exactly "carrot and stick" but it felt like it, somehow.

Anyway, it seems like its time to fire the engines up to 120% and bulldoze through the next months. I am not sure what I am going to do afterwards. I promised myself that I won't stay in science unless I am going something that I am really passionate about. So I have been looking for labs that work on the claustrum as I am still obsessed with the neuroscience of psychedelics. I have made positive contact with one PI in the UK where I have a feeling that I could learn something. There is another one in Jerusalem that I have to yet contact...

Family

On the 12.10., is my fathers birthday. On the 12.10.2019, at 10 in the morning, while frying some breakfast eggs, my father had a sudden cardiac death. Luckily, my mother and grandma were home. They heard a noise in the kitchen, found him, and my mother started to reanimate while my grandma ran out to the street to catch the ambulance that was on its way (because we don't have addresses). After 10 minutes of reanimation, a guy on a motorcycle arrived with a defibrillator kit. They introduced those mobile units because of the crazy traffic situation in Israel. The streets are always packed and people don't know how to open up a rescue alley. He gave my father a shock, got his pulse back. Lost it again, shocked him again. Went like this for another 3 times. 10 minutes after the mobile unit, the ambulance arrived and took him to the hospital. Overall, it took 45 minutes from the moment my mother called until he was at the hospital.

When my mother called, around 12 am, I was having late breakfast and planning to call my father to wish him a happy birthday. I was surprised to be called by my mother and sister at the same time, instead. I instantly felt something was wrong. I picked up and listened to my crying mother. My mind went cold and analytic. I remember asking he for the details and time it took for things to evolve. My medical studies popped up again, remembering that 3 minutes without air could already start the brain damage. In my head, I thought him dead. And then the sadness kicked in and I was in agony. She told me that they had to do two stents and put him in hypothermia to help reduce the damage. So he was in a coma, without us able to say whether he will wake up, or not.

There was only one reflex, find a flight and head back home. This is also when I realised that I am not prepared for such an emergency. Dishing out 1000€ for a flight ticket is not something my PhD finances could handle so lightly. But that is another issue. I found a flight for next day in the morning. Already at the german airport, my mom called me to tell me that he woke up. Completely confused, but seems to still have many of his normal function.

Fast forward a few hours. I am standing in his room in the hospital, in shock. My father had a memory span of 3 minutes. I had no clue what to feel in that moment. Relief that he is alive and survived? Worry for how his life will continue if this is how he states? My irrational mind was in control and it seemed to block out all the things I learned about post-operative symptoms and delirium because boy, the next week was one hell of a ride.

During the following week, he had to do another two stents (correct a previous one, and open another one). This was all too surprising to us. My father is a thin and rather healthy-looking guy. How could it be that 2/3 of his heart wasn't being perfused? Simple answer, 35 years of cigarettes. Delirium does weird things with you. You can't really sleep as you wake up every 5-10 minutes throughout the night. You forget all kinds of shit which leads to repeating all kind of stuff. You do weird things like ordering 3 skinned rabbits from 3 people at 6 A.M. which I had to drive around town to collect. Or, broadcast funny pictures of your 75-year old sister (who lost her husband a year ago) you took with your newly discovered gender swap filter on snapchat, with the purpose to find her a new husband (why did we give him his phone back???).

This was of course all also mixed with blaming us. We, my sister, my mother, and I are the reason this happened to him. Because we are not close to him and studying in Germany. Because my mother is "driving me crazy", which means, translated, she does not follow his orders. And that after her being the only reason he is still alive.

It was a hard week. And a hard month afterwards (specially for my mom). But now, just 2 months afterwards, he seems fine. He had to get another stent to open up that last missing branch. He is taking his meds. He quit smoking. He is less aggressive (seems like it at least). He hasn't been to work yet, which is good. But something changed. We are all scared that this could happen at any instant now, again.

relationship

I realise, now that I wrote that word above, that my stomach starts to hurt and I am hitting a mental roadblock in my head that is trying to stop me from writing or dealing with what happened. Do I listen to my body/mind or are the misaligned?

Anyway. In July, just before the ACL surgery and the burn, I met a cool girl. She was fun, shared many of my hobbies, is an Imogen Heap fan, liked raving, eating, and binging TV shows. I got interested. It felt nice. So things developed. And we got to know each other better. Our good corners, our weird corners. All of that in parallel to me being strapped to a bed most of the time without the ability to do much because of my leg. But it was a nice time. However, at some points past the first month or 1.5 months since we started dating, I started to get weird thoughts. I caught myself worrying about the problems the future will bring more often than enjoying the current time with her. My plans were to finish the PhD and leave. And now I am heading towards a relationship with a 34 year old woman (5 years older than me) that is feeling good but I know that if I commit full on to this, I will not be able to leave. I talked to her and told her what was in my mind. She said we should stay in the present and not worry about the future. This silenced the voices in my head for a little. But rather, it made them quieter for a while, because they came back, and started to get louder and louder.

The following two months, I caught myself constantly switching between the worry about the future and questioning the relationship and enjoying the time with her. She was caring and lowing. She showered me with love and I could feel it in everything she did. And it felt good to be loved like this. But I also realised, that I am not giving her or will probably never hive her that love back. In any form. There was a moment where I "snapped out" of it and know that I am not in love. Not in the way that she is looking at me and it made me feel very guilty. To cut a long process short, at one evening, where I was again trapped in the "being here and being there" feeling, I decided to let loose of all the thoughts I had jumbled up in my head, with the hope that some clarity will crystallise out of it. It ended up to be the night we broke up. And that was not my plan. But it was inevitable, at least in my view. This was 3 weeks ago. And it was hard. It was hard seeing her hurt. Hard letting go of someone that loved me this much. But I saw no other way. Doubt and sadness mixed with feelings of relief. Did I do the right thing? Did I just throw away something that I will regret in the future? Was I chasing something that doesn't exist?

The thing is. I know how I feel when I am madly in love. I had that same thing happen to me a year ago. Back then, the situation was switched. But I remember, that in that state of mind, nothing was impossible. Whenever I looked into the future, I saw solutions. Whether it was the "jew dating arab" problem, or, the geographical situation, or, money... Nothing was a problem. But now, I only saw the problems. Which hinted me that I am in no way close to feeling the same way I felt last year.

Even though I went a long way from being emotional popsicle that I made myself become in highschool, I am no way close to being emotionally open or understanding my emotions. And this whole story is again an example of that. Whenever I have a hand-written letter in my mailbox, it is never a nice one. This time it was also no exception. One day before my flight home, I get a looong letter from her and all I read was pain and sadness. And it hurt me a lot. It pains me to see the damage I did, again. And I wonder if there will be a time where I will not do this damage anymore...

Hubski. Yesterday, I was courageous!

On Monday evening a friend I know from Israel contacted me with the info that there have been two drug-related deaths at a festival in Israel and that her sister, a moderator at a national radio station, needs someone with expertise in harm reduction and drug checking to speak on her show.

My first reaction was "HELL NO!". The radio station she works for is one of the most listened to in the country and the time of speaking would be during lunch break. After 8pm, the second peak of listeners per day. In short, maaaaaany people would be listening.

Many fears came up. My hebrew is not good enough. The drug checking I am doing is - strictly speaking - illegal. I was afraid one of my parents or people I know from my home town might listen and what effects it might have... "Your son is talking about drugs on national TV!!"

Nevertheless, I agreed. After a quick 5 minute chat with one of the workers at the station that simply told me to "speak about what you know", it was set.

From that moment I was SO nervous! I started to read everything possible about what happened. Sadly, very little information was known at that point.

The next day, I was super nervous. The closer the interview came, the worse it got.

Then I got the call. I could hear the current live show running in the background and another voice talking to me. She verified who I was and asked me how I want to be introduced. I told them with my full name and profession.

A few minute later me and another guy were on air. First the other guy was speaking. Someone who attended the event and could answer general questions about what happened. I was getting more relaxed.

Then my turn came.... Honestly, I only have a vague recollection about what I said. I just remember three things.

1) When she asked "what is MD (slang for MDMA)?" I went on a full-blown neuroscientific response, just to realize halfways that nobody would understand me.

2) At some point I got nervous again and my voice got shaky. Which made me stutter.

3) After telling her about the drug checking action that I do, she asked "Isn't that illegal what you are doing?" I somehow got angry. Suddenly all the nervousness went away and with a clear voice I said "honestly, I don't know if it is legal or not. All I know is, if I have a way to stop someone from injuring themselves or dying, I would do it".

And with that, the interview ended. I was shaking for the next hour.

I felt so bad. So many things I could have told but didn't. All the little mistakes. I thought "Why wasn't I more prepared?".

Then I got a message from a friend that listened to the interview. She loved it. She loved the message and was happy to hear my voice through the radio :)

And I remembered, that for the first time, I showed a part of me to the broad public. Fully knowing what kind of consequences it could have.

I told my mother later. She was proud.

His tactics were the same and you correctly observed his major move. Take a subject that people don't agree with you in, tell a half-true statement about it ("I froze the settlements") and then divert the answer to something that connects to the internal fear of every israeli citizen: "They will push us into the sea" aka ISIS, Iran, Al-Qaida, Hamas.

Israel is an easy place to create enemy images because the contact between "us" and "them" (the arabs, even the ones living in Israel) is minor. A few reasons:

1. We live in different cities. With a few exceptions like Jaffa, Lod, Jerusalem and Haifa, the arab israelis and jewish israelis are separated. My home town is about 5 minutes away from the next bigger jewish city and represents a border checkpoint between greater Tel Aviv and the arab triangle. Jewish citizens of Israel are usually afraid to pass through our cities because they have been told scary stories about our cities. I had to convince some jewish burners to actually come visit me. They were scared shitless and then were totally surprised that nothing happened. They were expecting people to throw stones on them or even shoot them.

2. We have two separate education systems, with important differences. A few examples here too:

2.1 History. Officially, our curriculum is only supposed to cover the ottoman empire and what lead to the creation of the state of israel (with as little details as possible), the french revolution and the Nazi-regime. Many details about the years 1915-1948 don't get covered. We don't learn about the jewish terrorist organisations like the Haganah and Irgun, or the Nakba - my peoples exodus. But some teachers add in a lesson or two so we do not forget. On the jewish side of things, the Nakba didn't happen. Different stories about the same historical events like how the jewish acquired the palestinian lands before 1948 are told. It is illegal to mourn in remembrance of the massacres against and exodus of the palestinian people on the 15th of may, Israel's independence day and also Yom el Nakba.

2.2 The arabic education system forces the students to learn arabic, hebrew and english at school. The jewish education system only requires hebrew and english. Some schools offer arabic as an elective module. Even if taken for 10 years (arabic for jewish students), the level reached is barely enough to order some Hummus and a drink. Just enough to be able to say: "Jib el hawiyya". Which translates into: give/show me your ID. Which gets me to my next point.

3. The military. Jewish 18-year olds are required to go to the army. Men for 3 years, women for 2. Arab citizens do not have to go to the army. The army acts for many as a brain-washing machine. I have lost most of the (few) jewish friends that I had after they went to the army. For such a young person to be confronted with war and death is a very intense experience. An experience that leads them to search for simple answers. And the answers they are given are the "us vs. them" argument. "See what those arabs did? They killed your friends. Do you think that the arabs are good?". The fear mongering starts at school, but reaches its peak during the army.

On the other hand, the arabic youth goes another way. Usually its university, because it is the only way "out", the only way for a better future. There are many hurdles in the way of a young arab who tried to go to university at that age, which I will not dig deeper into unless asked for. But the results are that many leave the country, like I did. Or, settle for a job somewhere, that does not require a certificate that states that they went to the army. A legitimate prerequisite for any job in Israel, btw.

After the military, many leave the country for India, Mexico or Australia. They are broken and search for a purpose. They leave for at least one year, some never return. The ones that do return, or never actually leave, are either hippies or super brainwashed. Still scarred by what they saw during their time in the military. Few actually see through the bullshit, many buy into the game of fear. Everyone tries to get by and live somehow.

A jewish person, with the baggage of his ancestors, the story of the promised jewish land, the brainwashing to keep the military state and the oppression running.

An arabic person, with the memory of his grandfathers village that was occupied, the olive trees, the troubles to find education in the country, the daily treatment as a second class citizen.

Two similarly aged groups of people, in the same country, not even 10km apart, that have totally different lives and all they know is: they are the enemy.

P.S: mk, we really need the drafts option on Safari :D

Yesterday morning I woke up, tired and excited. It was the day I have to give my 10 min about my master's thesis to the group I applied for a PhD thesis at. I practiced my talk a lot, I did't want to repeat my mistakes from my thesis defense (they did not like my discussion part). Still, I was anxious, I had to prove to myself that I can make it...

I woke up 4 hours before the set time, planned my travel time to be there half an hour earlier. Went through my talk again and went out of the house with some Alt-J on my ears, to calm me down.

Of course it was a mess. I had to change my train twice, making me miss my connection etc. I was late, and I was worried. This is germany, being on time is probably one of the most important values, and I am fucking it up already.

I talked to the Prof., he said its okay, I arrived, surprised that there was no one in the room. Phew.

I had time to check if my slides were fine and have some smalltalk with the Prof. before he called his PostDocs in for the talk. And then I switched to english, and things went smoooooth, very smooth.

They liked me. He did, his PostDocs did and his Docs too. And I like them too!!! He asked me when I want to start... Wait a minute, 2 weeks ago I was confused, no direction, looking for advice what to do. And then I stumble into something that just turns out to be amazing! WTF?? Does it work like this?

I am lucky.

He told me it will take some time till my contract was set etc. so I wouldn't be able to start working before next month. And there I decided, I am flying back to Israel for 3 weeks. Eid al-Adha is on saturday and I know my parents would be happy if I was there to celebrate with them :)

So, a few hours later I booked the flights, for the same night. And so I found myself watching the sun rise over Istanbul while listening to Tycho's Awake, one of those moments I would probably never forget.

In less than 24 hours, I went from cold Düsseldorf in Germany to the warm and slightly windy Nablus in the heart of Palestine...

Everyone is shopping for the holiday. The streets are crowded with young guys selling toys, clothes, fruits and sweets. It wakes a specific feeling inside of me that reminds of my childhood. This ability to induce this feeling is long lost at my hometown in Israel but I always find it in the Westbank :)

Two crazy days, and I feel happy and ecstatic. Somehow, alive...

Instead if reporting this, I badged it ><