I guess senior prom was technically a first date for me. I threw up quite a bit and passed out briefly in her friend's yard. In my defense, the party was insane. The Black Angels were there, still no idea why.

Sheepishly returning my rented tux, hidden in a suit bag, to the store the next day, I subtly asked, "does it need to be in the same state it was when I rented it?" It didn't, actually. Thank god.

Through astonishing good fortune, I've never met a girlfriend's parents. That could continue well into my 30s and I'd be fine with it. I'm dating you, not your damn family.

  She says "It's different for a girl turning 30"
  He says "Is that a crack about me not maturing?
  Cuz I'm just deferring the term, I'll be back in the spring
  I'm just waiting for my break, got the cast in a sling"
  He says "The queen is the back of her king"
  But she's mad at her lack of a ring
  She says "It better get bought
  Quit playing games, you getting an ex off that Xbox
  I love you boy but I need a man Peter Pan
  Syndrome, ain't even been home to meet the fam