First week of school is not treating me well. I had the fortune of not having any lectures the half term before summer, just project-work, lecture manuscripts to read through and zoom mentoring sessions. Nothing that entailed sitting in front of a screen for 2 (or 4) hours at a time, having to memorize and retain as much information as normal but without having the benefit of a classroom setting or a lecturer who is able to read the room, and with all the distractions of being in your own home.

I really didn't think I would find distance-mode that awful. Yeah, it would suck getting zero human contact most days, and losing contact with my class but when it comes to the actual learning I didn't think I would find it all that hard. After all, spring term went fine and I did over half of high-school from my home.

Well.

As I've now learned there is a difference between content designed to be taught from a distance, and content having to be taught from a distance despite not being designed for that. (And also this material is harder to grasp than for example high-school natural science.) So most lecture so far have been a vicious cycle of the following.

1. I try and pay attention.

2. I don't feel like I am following or understanding the material.

3. I look at twitter, or reddit, or cookieclicker to distract myself from the anxiety of not understanding/the boredom of listening to something I don't understand.

4. I feel guilty for not trying hard enough.

And then that over and over for 2 hours. I realize that I need to break this cycle, and the best way to do so is to try and just... Be okay with not getting it, and hoping that something will click in place once I have to use the knowledge I have gained practically. And then just pay attention and not fall into the trap of "well I'm not getting this so I might as well just look at my phone". Because then even if I don't get the subject I'm not feeling like shit over not paying attention properly.

I'll try and knit or something on Monday, because then my hands will be occupied with very little brainpower used and it will hopefully be calming and distracting enough that I don't just sit and think about how I am fucked because I don't understand.

And like, I am academically competent. I am in general confident in that I will pass my classes (eventually) if I put the work in. I have read the prerequisites for my classes, I am not in a bad position when it comes to getting the material. But it does feel like nothing is entering my brain at all.

I try and tell myself it's just been a week. We've had very little practical work and assignments were we apply our knowledge. I'm not even behind, even though it feels like I am. I'm just hoping that everything will feel like it clicks eventually, hopefully real soon.