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user-inactivated  ·  1720 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: July 3, 2019

Recap of the past few months. Went on a cruise, lamented being 20-something, nearly hurled myself off the boat in a moment of drunken sadness, returned to the disco and boogied down with some forty year old woman from South Korea (she looked way younger on the dance floor), saw a bunch of pictures of her kids, heard her say something extremely racist, friend smuggled weed on to the boat (only CBD), friend accidentally ordered porn on the TV box and had to call room service to get it to work, was terrified I was going to blink my eyes and be an elderly man who specializes in mortgages and be on that exact same ship, returned to Canada, returned to my $1 over minimum wage working grind where I'm a low level manager of high school students taking shit from everyone and never seeming able to work hard enough. Got transferred stores and am subjected to mysterious schedule changes the day my shift starts and am written up for not knowing), feeling jealous of my high school peers who are in med school (why?), or just majored in whatever would get them middle class quick, worked like a dog, developed a paranoid attitude that everyone hates me and thinks I'm a failure, did vector calculus for fun despite school not being in session, put many more songs on soundcloud despite it being immature.

Concluded that the reason I was bored as an adult is because I no longer have sex, drugs, and rock and roll in my life like when I was a teen. Decided to do that again and cried at what a waste of time and money it was. Did shitty ecstasy alone for the first time and read Hubski while turning up the phase shifter on a guitar track. Felt like a boulder the next day. Moved out of parents house (finally), learned how to cook (spaghetti), was berated only once by roommates for not cleaning up, picking classes for next year (5th year, because I majored in econ like a dummy). Discrete structures, algorithms, advanced calc, differential equations, I really want a fucking physics major but I feel like it's a really stupid road to go down despite my brain saying do it and I need to graduate asap. Worried I'm going to get too old for college stuff. Glad I didn't go to law school like I originally intended because my classmates were dumb. Debating whether "follow your heart" is ever a good idea or if pragmatism should reign supreme. Realizing that being bat shit crazy seems to be a common theme in my life and being an artist means one can't avoid following their heart if they fucking tried. Hearing parents non ironically mention us getting married and realizing I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you all.