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psychoticmilkman  ·  112 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: September 26, 2018

Still very stressed.

Turns out that if you buy bunch of stuff to help relax. You actually have to stop doing stressful stuff and start doing the relaxing stuff for it relax you at all...

Shit's gotten real. Sure I've been stressed, but It's effecting me physically. Which, I thought, I could anticipate and keep an eye out for. But it's effecting me differently than it ever has before.

I've been unpleasantly surprised to find out that my stress and anxiety have started manifesting in anger. Finding myself get upset and start to yell, or get worked up over something so fast I can't calm down has scared the shit out of me. I'm a shy and quiet person. When I'm sad and angry I retreat, I hide, I cry and generally like to be alone as fuck.

Looking deeper and realizing I'm only yelling when I've driving alone, or alone at work. Then looking again and seeing that my screaming may be directed towards others, but I've really been yelling at myself...possibly from some feelings of inadequacy throughout most parts of my life.

The slow increase of regular screaming sessions seems to have left me physically exhausted as well as some brief chest pains that accompany the chest tightening that comes along with the anxiety...

And it only took me like 6+ months to realize this : /

So, trying to make some changes. I have good support at work, we're all just overworked and currently understaffed. We're working on it, but I need to work on utilizing the help I have available to me more.

Got to clean up at home, going home to a mess and leaving it a mess is stressful. As well I need to try and worry about money and the future way less.

Also therapy. I need to get back to a therapist, it has been way too long for me.

And exercise.

And eating better.

And biting my nails less.

And therapy.

Who's made it this far? Anyone play the new Spider-Man for PS4? Fucking excellent game.