I'm struggling with separating what I actually want to do (on any timescale: today, this year, with my life) from what I think other people want me to do. My thinking is so saturated with the need for people to like me that I internalize other people's expectations as my own desires.
Intellectually, I understand that it's more important that I like myself than that other people like me, and that if I continue the way I've been going I'll end up dissatisfied with my life and resenting everyone else for reasons that I won't be able to explain. But on some level I remain unable to detach myself from other people's expectations.
I'm writing a list of everything that other people expects of me, who expects it of me, and why I even care. It's very long, and most of column 3 is "i want [them] to like me" or "i don't want to disappoint [them]." Which was expected, but still kind of sobering.
It's kind of amazing how detached I feel from my own fucking desires. Why is it so difficult to figure out what I want? (Because for 18 years I've allowed what I want to be suppressed or altered by what other people want.)
In other news, I think I've survived another depressive episode. Feeling better today than I have in 2 weeks. Hoping to find therapy here next week, although all indications are that it'll take forever to get an appointment, and I'm only here until the end of Feb. We'll see.