Just bitter. Deeply, deeply, powerfully bitter today. I know it's poison, I can see that it's poison, and I'm drinking deep of the cup of Wormwood anyway.
Something felt 'off' last night. I got on my bike after a too-long commute home (A ten minute drive that became almost an hour and a half of driving) and barely made it four miles before throwing in the towel. My legs just didn't want to move even though I felt cardiovascularly fine.
Puttered around on various parts of the internet until too late. Fell down the tidder rabbithole again, even though I deleted my old accounts and haven't made a new one in almost a month. That's when my 'psychotic break' began, and I just stopped caring about all the shit going on that I am capable of perceiving. Endlessly bitter about all kinds of things. Religion, politics, the ongoing gender war. The fact that I can't seem to keep a positive spin maintained for more than a few days at a time until I hit a funk like this one.
I'll come out of it, probably. Just gotta drag my ass across broken glass for a few miles first. This seems to be how I choose to self-harm.
I'm hoping that this does not last many more days.
Sunday I'm singing with the New York Philharmonic. I would like to be excited but at this point I'm just done with the music. Bernstein wrote for himself, and the Kaddish is a deeply personal piece. It means jack shit to me, especially at where I'm at in my relationship with whatever divinity is laughing at humans presently. It will be cool to hear Jeremy Irons doing the narration I suppose.