It's my new goal to not see my 12 hours on the internet as a compulsive addiction.
It's been a rough 6 weeks since I got fired from my first real job to pursue a giant freelance gig. There was a lot of guilt, avoidance, self-hatred, self-indulgence in this time. I finally braved up and saw a therapist yesterday. I chose the most eccentric looking one I could find and it went amazingly well- he did a great job of handling my convoluted and sophomoric ideas of this psychology graduate.
There was this focus on the looking at the way that I worked, the fact that I work in creative spurts and trouble working regular schedules and doing things I need to do.
I had no idea this is actually a viable way to live my life, what the fuck? I had been having suicidal thoughts lately because it took me a week to send an invoice because I kept playing chess and watching Youtube and am just finding out that this isn't something I should be ashamed of? He told me about his own day, I was one of his two clients for the day, and he was going to play 18 holes of golf in between them. He hates writing invoices too, so he puts them off at the very last minute, recommends that I just do the same with the things that I hate.
What about the fact that I just like being on the internet a lot? I told him about the time I took a 600 level Psychometrics course and had a nervous breakdown while I was doing a paper on internet addiction because I fit it's metrics so fucking hard. Well guess what? Fuck what society has to say about internet usage- I genuinely enjoy all the rabbit holes I fall into. And fuck y'all, I'm good at the work that I do. My websites are fucking poetry, motherfuckers.
A letter to myself:
You got paid a shit ton of money to do 20 hours of work in 6 weeks and spent the rest of your time pursuing things that actually interested you.
A dumb thing. I put poetry as comments in the <head>s of my websites. It's really dumb. I wonder if it actually affects the performance of the website.