It's not that I don't realize I'm looking for intimacy, whether romantic, sexual or both. It's that female company to me is much more important than male. I've had maybe fifteen close female friends and only two male.
You needn't be so hard on yourself.
I'm not. It took me a while to figure out that people could be bad to me, too; it's not just me not putting enough effort in. It made life a lot easier to sort out.
I wish you and I had crossed path on Hubski before: learning that there are, in fact, people who use other people and look for reassurance afterwards would've made my time back then a lot easier.