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Whenever I come across your posts about that kind of stuff, I keep being reminded of myself some years ago when I was in high school/early college when I was depressed about my situation and myself. I guess I want to mention that there are a lot of people that go through a similar experience, and it's just a growing phase that you'll come out better from. Don't be too hard on yourself if that's part of the problem. You sound like you're ready to learn all that you can from this which seems to be the right track.