So far I've only shared these things in-depth with two close friends who I know won't just tell me what I want to hear, and the people on this website. Mostly because I've been here for a while now and trust all of your input and life experiences.

They're always worst at night, I can tell you that much. Once 9 or 10pm roll around that's usually when things take a downhill turn. That, or if I'm around a big group of people for an extended period of time during the day or spending too much time working on homework. There are a lot of other triggers, but I think those are the main ones. Sometimes I remember to try thinking positive but it usually gets overrun by the negative thoughts, or I'll find ways to excuse the good thoughts as defense mechanisms or silly things like that.

I do remember kb talking about that. We have a counseling center here, but the way it works makes me nervous. Over the past year it changed from being almost entirely one on one counseling/therapy to the following: You call in to schedule an appointment and end up talking to one of the professionals who acts as an intake person, asks you some questions and then "recommends" either one on one sessions or group therapy. Here's the problem: the "recommendation" is your only option. If you get group therapy and want to do a one on one session your only option is to go elsewhere. If I tried to get help and that happened to me I would not be in a good state because I do not want to be in a group setting for something like this, at all. And to be told I can't get the help I want for whatever reason is a very scary and real possibility that has prevented me from even attempting it.

You're not alone.

I'm not sure if it's so much as that or more that I want to be alone when I get down and in these states. Being around people is the last thing I want, it serves to further the negative thoughts and drive me up the wall. I'm really good at wallowing and going down a hole - my ex at one point said she thought I enjoyed being sad and unreasonable at one point. Needless to say that didn't go over well...

It's funny because there have been a lot of people saying that this age is the best age of our lives, and I'm not sure how much I believe it. I'm not sure how much I believe anything though. Looking forward to reading through your AskHubski post.